Quite often I feel my life is a constant compromise. If I'm working on an important presentation, I'm not reading my emails, and I could be missing something even more important than the presentation I'm working on. If I'm attending meeting after meeting, then I'm not working on that important presentation. If I'm taking my child to school, I may be late to that important meeting. If I'm travelling, I'm not with my family. If I overwork, I'm not spending time with my wife. If I spend all weekends with my family, then I'm losing touch with my friends.
In essence: when I pay attention to you, I'm taking it from someone else. Because this is a zero sum game. Our time is limited, and math is math. As a result, I spend my time not doing. If you are constantly aware of all the things you should be doing instead, you are not living. You are always somewhere else. I am, but I'm not. This is what a nosvivatu is, a form of not-alive.
Nosvivatus are doomed to live a miserable life, painfully aware that they are always wrong. Doomed to never enjoy anything because they should be somewhere else. Doomed in the paradox of achievment: they're obssesed about doing as much as possible, but they do very little while they jump from one thing to another, triggered by guilt.
To kill a nosvivatu is not an easy feat. Most of them believe that someone else has turned them into a nosvivatu, and therefore they try to fight others. They fight their bosses for throwing too many demands at them, they fight their peers for setting up too many meetings, sending too much email, they fight their husbands and wifes for not understanding their jobs.
Other nosvivatu focus inward, but try to remedy only the symptoms of their condition. They become productivity and time-management freaks. They implement methods for getting things done, they spend money on books and apps to support them, they try a hundred different forms of time allocation and even blog about them. They may be the worst case of nosvivatu because their small victories make them believe these methods are the way out of their issues. When they inevitably fail, they blame themselves instead of others. They add up another layer of misery to their miserable lifes, now they feel guilty not only for disappointing everyone but also for disappointing themselves.
No. Killing a nosvivatu is not an easy feat. The root of the problem is buried in the deepest layers of yourself. You don't turn into a nosvivatu because of the excessive demands from others, nor because your wife or husband shows no empathy, not even because you don't have the willpower to adopt proper habits to cope with it. You turn into a nosvivatu because you fear. You feel a dreadul fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of non-compliance from what is expected, from what they say is right. Have you been an over-achiever in your childhood? The perfect son and the perfect student? Have you met other's expectations and thrived on that, and felt good and successful? You owe your success to your fear. You also owe the prison in which you are now to your fear too. You will have to fight your way out of it, or not-live for the rest of your life. Don't fool yourself waiting for retirement, waiting for a calmer week, looking for someone that understands you. Nothing can kill a nosvivatu but yourself.
While I embark in this personal journey I have a hunch: that I need to turn into what I most fear in order to defeat it. Only then math will be math.